I'm writing this now because I need somewhere to release myself of all that I have suppressed and left to fester in the deepest recesses of my being. I can barely express myself because doing so just floods my already weary head with an onslaught of emotions that I have worked so hard to keep at bay. Constantly keeping myself busy or preoccupied, even with the most mundane activities, has been what has kept me from breaking down. The moment I slow down or let my guard down even the slightest bit just leaves me vulnerable to the workings of my overactive imagination, which in turn allows the neglected feelings to awaken and assault the mind that has kept them imprisoned for so long. They swiftly try to erode the resolve and will power that serves as the cage that has held them captive. Their escape leaves me drained, unable to fight off the anger, self pity, depression, resentment, and all the other petty feelings that wish to taint the good within my heart.
What makes it worse is the feeling of desolate solitude. Opening myself up to trust and actually finding someone who gives a damn becomes such a great exertion that I don't even see the point of bothering to. I am surrounded with people: family, superficial acquaintances, even "friends," yet it is such a struggle for me to break down my reservations. I've always felt like a loner who surrounds himself with friends because physical ostracization is harder to hide than my feeling of mental alienation.
"Let me tell you this: if you meet a loner, no matter what they tell you, it’s not because they enjoy solitude. It’s because they tried to blend into the world before, and people continue to disappoint them."
I easily become attached to anyone who even gives me the slightest sliver of hope for myself, willing to do anything for anyone who accepts me for who I am or shows even the smallest hint that they honestly care about me. I always seem to fuck it up for some reason or another however...or maybe that hope is just a fool's reverie.
I have to wear so many different masks because it seems like no one can accept me as I am. Yes, I portray myself as confident, goofy, fun-loving and sociable. That isn't all I am but I guess that's the visage people want to see. Some of those who I've considered some of my "closest friends" bend over backwards to help others and work so hard to cheer people up, yet I am the one left shunned at the slightest sign of seriousness or trouble. Because of that I lie to myself so I may continue feigning a happy life, but it is also because of this that my problems resurface. I'm so scared that constantly lying to myself and repressing my emotions will manifest into something horrible later. That fear may have already become reality but I don't know what to do. My brain is working overtime as my heart wrenches in my chest, the pain of which my tears could never fully attest to. My walls have already begun to crumble and the feelings that I have kept imprisoned for so long slowly begins to corrupt what hope I have left within me. I almost welcome it. Let my hopeful heart become jaded, callous and cold...maybe then it wouldn't hurt so much.
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